Tuesday, February 1, 2011


I’m lying in my bed on my stomach, propped up by two pillows, and thinking about what to write. I want to write about how I’m mourning Sylli.

Isn’t that silly? We were going to name our dog “Sylli,” spelling it with the vowels switched up so the heavier one got to sit in the passenger’s seat. The word seemed to have better balance that way. “Sylli” would have been short for “Sylvester,” the name of a Prin dorm I like.

“Sylli” would have been short for “Sylvester” if we had gotten the dog. We’d given a down payment to the breeder a couple of weeks ago, but last night, we came to our final decision: that it would not be a good idea to get the bull dog right now. Today, we drove deep into the rural parts where the American bull dog mother stays in a lifted crate with her three pups. We gave back the receipt to the breeder, and he returned our down payment. Me and the blond guy whined like puppies all the way home.*****

When Blondie was in the shower last night, he heard an eerie noise: “Hoo hoooo. Hoo hoooo. Hoo hoooooo.” He thought it was an owl at first. “Maybe it’s Courtney crying,” he thought. It occurred to him that the sound could be coming from his nose. He tried to breathe through his nose to see if it would happen again. He recounted his thoughts to me later, “Wait–is that an owl, me, or her? It sounded like an owl in a distant tree in Steve’s yard, looking down at me, going ‘hoo hooooo.’”

It was me crying over the bull dog. I had fallen in love with the idea of that dog. Really, the dog would have been a long commitment. One of the days we visited it, I held it in my hands, and it was the most pure being. I dreamed of how pure it would be–this pure being–something to be really excited about. I just needed to cry to acknowledge fully that dream I had had.

***** “The blond guy and I!!!!!” Dad and my superego scream.

Sylvester Dorm. Winter 2010.

Looking for something crazy
Beautiful love.
Are you hungry for wonderful

'Cause I am, wonderful 'cause I am.
I wrote a song about your eyes

Ate a slice of cherry pie

I cried all night.

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